How Would Houdini Have Done It?
Growing up, I wasn’t quite the athletic type. Sure, I played High School basketball, ran some track, and now with years of therapy behind, me I can finally admit it, I was a band fag. Although the coolest type of band fag, since it was technically called “percussion.” I played the snare drum in the marching band, hung out with the color guard (all girls), and got to wear a different uniform. If it is possible, a much cooler type uniform. Luckily in later years, I turned that skill into playing the guitar all around the U.S. including the Woodstock Reunion of 1999 and did a 9-year stint at the Bull and Whistle with the “Jack Nasty Band.” Significance? Well, besides lots of… shall we call them”dates,” I got used to being on stage and entertaining people. Anyway, this is how that leads to 25 years of being a fishing guide after a bit of explaining…
I apologize that this article was not really written for everyone just looking for a fishing report this month. I tend to aim my articles toward the few professionals left out there still grinding out a living in the charter business. Therefore, it is not just your run of the mill fishing report. No secrets about those nine, 50-pound Kings I live baited off the Cosgrove Hump last week. It’s not for those of you that are interested in what I caught dropping on the sub or what I snagged in 800 feet of water, what kind of fish, how big, how deep, where, when, what color drawers I was wearing when I did it, etc. This article is really aimed at those of us that have or will have spent the majority of our adult lives working at our main passion: being a for-hire fishing guide. Actually making a living going fishing. Sounds fantastic, doesn’t it? Like playing guitar for the Rolling Stones – simple. Lean against an amp, bang out a few chords on a guitar that was made before my grandfather was born and butt light cigarettes for an hour and a half. At least that’s what I see happening when I go see Mic and the boys play. Although, like fishing, I bet there is a bit more to it than what meets my eye; just as in being a fishing guide. Like… never being more than one step away from your cell phone ( they won’t leave a message and they will book with your friend), actually booking the trips (“Sure we catch Marlin all the time”), getting the deposit (“It’s just business, you know how it is”), determining the style of fishing we might be doing even though the trip you just booked is three months away (“There will be plenty of wreck action that day.”) and fixing an engine by a warm trouble light at 2 a.m. just to run a trip at 7:30 the next morning. However, that’s not part of the “act.” The charter does not see that part of the job because he does not want to see that part of the job! That’s not what he is paying for. If you want to spoil the experience for the charter and tell/show him that you are a working stiff just like he is, make sure you spend the entire trip complaining about all the crap that goes with the business that makes it a lot like…. well, his business. He wants to hear about the big one, and not just the big one that got away! “What’s the biggest fish you ever caught?” You had better have a good story at ready ‘cause he’ll ask. He will definitely ask where you are from and how long you have been doing this. He does want to hear about the four twins in bikinis you had jumping off the bow while anchored at the reef last week… even if it didn’t happen. And generally never does. Tell him how the 10-year-old kid whipped the 200-pound Lemon Shark in the channel and almost fell over the side just the other day. What I’m saying is that he is fishing with you for the experience of your job that is the fun part. If he wanted to hear you complain, he would just be there at your house making supper when you walked in the door that evening!
Too many guides think being a fishing guide is about catching fish. Seems obvious, but in my opinion it is shortsighted. Being a fishing guide is about entertaining the client. He’ll come back next year/month if he had a good time. It is an expensive hobby and usually they go with what they know. If they had fun last time, they don’t want to risk it on an unknown. Whether that was releasing 10 Barracudas or 10 Sailfish. You will generally know if they are having fun by the look on their face, they will be smiling. Also, give them a chance to talk. A lot of fishing trips are just therapy sessions with rods. Almost everyone likes to talk about themself, so let them; you are on their time.
Over the years, I have boiled the fishing guide “game” down to four basic factors. If you make all four factors come together, you will have a good trip and a repeat charter. In addition, with charters being rare nowadays, you cannot afford to run a crummy trip.
Four factors: Weather, Boat, Charter, and Fish.
None of these factors is directly under your control. But, if you bring them all together successfully, it’s smiles all around and fat propinos.
The boat you do have a certain amount of control over. Make sure that everything works, and that you have everything (how many times have you heard on the radio of a charter boat wanting to “borrow” a downrigger or bag of bait?) Keep it clean and it should smell clean too. Men care about the fishing; women want a clean toilet. Don’t wait until the motor won’t start until you change the batteries. The only thing that sucks more than getting towed in is not getting paid! Remember, the charter usually spends more time with the mate than with you. Blowing cigarette smoke has become a big issue with charters in the past few years, especially if they are on the verge of blowing chunks anyway. Needing a shave is macho for a mate. Needing a shave and a bottle opener isn’t macho and is a liability in this new age of charter fishing. Your tackle should be presentable. Rods are not one of the things to brag about how long they have been in the family.
The Charter you have generally never met. Find out what they want to fish for or at least what they will be happy with. Fishing, as we all know, is a game of odds. Don’t make it too hard on everyone involved. If it’s a half day with six anglers and they all want to be sure and bend a rod, suggest something appropriate. Be honest with them about the odds of catching what they want, I like to call it hopefully optimistic. Everyone wants to catch a Marlin, but usually when you tell them the odds, they will listen to you and your suggestions. That’s why they hired you as a guide in the first place! Also, let them be the one to break the “F” word barrier. You never know what is offensive to people. Let them set the standard before you chime in with your best Presidential joke. You would be amazed how many charters I have gotten over the years because of the previous Captain’s “bias.”
Weather. Well, not much you can do about that. However, if you know it is blowing a gale, drop a few hints to let them know what they are in for. Suggest some alternatives just in case they don’t feel so awful good heading East. “Hey, shark fishing can be really good this time of year,” or “It might get a little bumpy when we cross the reef.” Never use words like rough or terrible or wear your life-jacket while leaving the dock. Words like “Sporty” or “Challenging” soften the effect. Make it more of an adventure or challenge than a death-defying thrill ride. Always have a weather back-up plan A, B, C, etc. Ending with the question, “So, what are you guys doing tomorrow?” Once they are on the boat, you try your dandiest not to let them off just for the plain fact that they may not come back if things don’t improve or you are already booked. As Joe Mac says, “That’s a day you will never get back.” On the other hand, if you beat them up and make them slide around in each other’s vomit for a couple hours before hollering uncle, you definitely won’t ever get them back… so, no discounts!
Finally, that leaves us with the Fish part of our 4-part magic trick. This sort of goes along with the other three variables. Make sure your mate is on the same page as you. Do not assume he was listening during your briefing when you said you were going to stay in close to the islands and Shark fish so no one got sick in the 30-knot winds. You’ll definitely feel a bit overwhelmed as the anchor line comes tight and you look out past the stern and notice five nicely rigged rods with beautiful store bought Sailfish baits on them! Which brings us to DON’T PANIC! Even when there is a reason for panic. It sort of goes along with never let ‘em see you sweat. A lot can happen on a fishing charter (believe me, I know) but getting everyone stirred up will only make things more difficult. There’s no substitute for experience, but most problems can be prevented before the charter.
The fish don’t read the calendar so don’t assume that “Sailfish Season” really means Sailfish Season. Again, have a back-up plan, and a backup for that plan, etc. In addition, make sure that you and your mate both know that there is no such thing as a bad fish. There are good fish and nice fish. Your opinion doesn’t count here. If they are happy with the fish, so are you!
So folks, what all did we learn today? You’re not so much a fishing guide as you are an entertainer (but continue to write “fishing guide” on you IRS 1040 or it just makes them crazy!)
And by bringing together the four key elements of a fishing charter – Boat, Weather, Fish, and Anglers (somebody please figure out an anagram for this!) – make them all work together seamlessly, will make you feel not so much a Top Fishing Guide but more like Houdini himself!
This is a picture from a few years ago of Capt. Craig Eubank with Jacques Cousteau and Sylvia Earle (environmentalist and holder of World Deep Dive Record) in Orlando DEMA Conference. Not sure why they invited me, but the food was excellent!